Odd weekend. I've been . . . "off." If anyone felt ignored (and, I think, some people should), I apologize. Wrapped up in my head, it's very easy for me to keep thinking "I'll be social later." Not particularly polite, and at least one person should slap me, as . . . well, someone said, "Hi," and a freak glitch in my computer made it impossible to say "Hi!" back instantaneously, and then . . . "I'll be social later."

So, I apologize. Unconditionally. I don't even think the person I may have offended (or merely vexed for a moment, and at the very least I treated poorer than was deserved) reads this diary. I plan on apologizing personally, later, but . . . well, it's more than just this one instance. I do this shit all the time.

I must be difficult to deal with. Even on my best days, even on my fabulous Pills, I have a limited ability to handle other human beings. I need a LOT of "down time." I will chat if I feel like chatting, and vanish if I don't. Halfway through an evening I can suddenly announce I'm going home, just because I had "enough people time." I'm usually more polite than that, but that's the HONEST answer.

How do I explain this without offending friends? Or worrying them about something that's really just a kind of social quirk? Well, I guess all I can do is say there's no offense meant, and nothing to worry about.

Did you ever know someone who wore a LOT of makeup? All that preparation, just to let the world see them. That's me in any social situation. I have to be prepared, and it's a lot of effort.

I'm exactly who I appear to be. I'm not shy, by nature. I like people, and I tend towards friendliness and an exceptionally goofy sense of humor. This is really me.

It's just . . . sensation overload. I'm MISERABLE around large groups unless I am very, very prepared for it. Even small groups, or just a single other person is like a high-pitched whine at the edge of hearing.

People have wants and dreams and fears and horrors. They practically SWEAT wants and dreams and fears and horrors. It's overwhelming.

And, here I am, my wants and dreams and fears and horrors all laid out for whoever will listen. I won't pretend I'm an exception. I'm just saying it's a little overwhelming, from my perspective. Some people are very sensitive to the heat . . . I'm very, very sensitive to the emotional states of others. Unless I have my "emotional earplugs" in, I get swept up in it all, burn out, and have to limp home and be very, very quiet for a while. And if I'm unprepared, and can't find the energy to pick myself up? "I'll be social, later."

Not healthy, not the kindest thing to admit to, but . . . well, if I can't be honest here, what the hell's the point?

I love you all. I'll try to be a bit more predictably and reassuringly social, but . . . well, I'm TRYING, not PERFECT.

Peace, kats and kittens.