I'm a mess. I work all the time, have no money again thanks to my genius investing habit of, "Ooooh . . . shiny new computer!", and generally have zero social life. My brother's gone. I see co-workers I don't like most often, then roommates I like but hardly see and tend to think of me only as, "The nice older guy who lives in that room down the hall," and occasionally see one parent or the other.
I need friends. All of this introspection is tiring. I need to laugh over curly fries in the middle of the night at the all-night diner down the street. I want a live human being to sit next to me in the movie theater.
And, in case you might think I'm inhumanly pleasant, I will admit I want to get laid, too. It takes second place after "sane, normal, flesh-and-blood friendship," but it's most assuredly a desire I have. Still, unless sex winds up fucking up my life (yes, the pun is firmly intended ;), or otherwise making a major impact on my life, it's unlikely to get any play in this diary, so let's all take a cold shower (together) and get on with the whining . . .
You know, I have no patience for digging through my archives, but I suspect I've said what I've said up to now before . . .
But, of course, I have my tiny baby-step forward. I've realized I'm socially awkward, again. I've been locked in my own little brain and troubles so long I don't remember how to interact on a normal friendship level. Maybe I've met people I COULD have been friends with, and (like I mentioned before) I fucked it up. Who knows?
Someone joked (I hope) that I brought new meaning to "stalking the stalker," but perhaps that's a little true. I'm no stalker, and delusions or not I harmless as a kitten, but I have an intensity and earnestness that can no doubt make saner individuals uncomfortable, and a couple years with only sporadic friendship-style contact has no doubt roughened my already-questionable social skills.
I'm taking a class at the local community college. Have I mentioned that, before? Funny thing: Back when I started this diary, I complained that my step-father hung around with a bunch of men that liked to hug. Well, fast-forward to now and I'm involved in a men's group-therapy thing just like those guys I complained about so long ago, and they have a couple Psychology classes at the community college about these issues. Well, I was thinking of trying my hand at school again, and the classes were there to be taken, so now I'm in the second one.
Weird, huh?
I'm also the YOUNGEST person by AT LEAST ten years in either the class or the group. Now, they're all well-meaning men and I care for them, but they also have no interest in the normal activities of a thirty-four-year-old single guy, and I have little interest in the car and home-repairs they wish to talk about.
So, that's out.
Oh, did I forget to mention I'm picky? For starters, I like to think my friends have read something other than self-help books and a Garfield anthology. And they have to know the difference between "here," and "hear." This eliminates the morons who try to claim they're 19-year-old girls on MySpace advertising the pay-for websites where I can watch them get naked . . .
There must be money in that, but I cannot fathom paying money to watch a stranger strip on camera. Christ, I'm a horny old pervert, but I've been to a strip club once in my life and the fun _I_ had was that if I smiled at the stripper, she LOOKED ME IN THE EYE and smiled back. It was the illusion of intimacy I enjoyed, not the reality of anonymity.
Oh, and I've dated a stripper, but, weirdly, that was YEARS before I set foot in a strip club. I met her in an entirely different manner, and she took up stripping while we were dating, not before . . .
Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm just sick of MySpace spambots, and generally at a loss as to the point of most porn . . .
So: I'm socially awkward, intense, and have a habit of smothering people in an attempt to please them. Oh, right . . . and I crave attention, otherwise I'm sure I'm a failure.
I don't know where to begin with this. Which do I tackle first, and how long can I go without legitimate friendship before I snap, and will I be able to become a valuable friend in that amount of time?
Fuck if I know.
Peace out, kats and kittens.