I haven't mentioned this before, as it really affects nil in the grand scheme of things, but this diarist is an atheist. Lately, I've been wondering about that "affecting nil" concept. The fact is, I'm bad at making decisions about where my life should lead me, and religion would really help that. There are many, many cults out there that would gladly tell me how to lead my life. If I read the pamphlets carefully, I understand some of them involve lots of sex. Mmmmmmmm . . . cult sex. Kinky.
OK, so I kid. I realize this isn't common in my diary, but it's been known to happen. Forgive me if I am in a silly mood. It's all your fault. After my last post, I received much love from the few readers I have. It has bolstered my spirit. For that, I thank you. I keep my inner turmoil (rightly or wrongly) from my friends and family, for fear of rejection. The fact that it is accepted here makes me question that tactic.
But, I need a purpose in life. I've made it through 33 years without such a purpose, but that's really a testament to procrastination rather than proof one is not needed.
Yes, this means I've made two declarations of what I "need" in two days. And, at first glance, they seem different. Yesterday, I said I needed courage (anyone seen the Wizard of Oz lately?), and today I declare my need of a purpose.
But, they are related. Yesterday, I said I was on the "quest" for courage. This is my first challenge.
You see, if I had a purpose, something I believed in, then I would have that belief to draw strength and courage from. As it stands now, I kind of go "What's the use of fighting? It's not like any of it matters." Not very helpful.
Now, my purpose is not just to "survive". I'd "survive" if I let them lock me away with the rest of the loonies. The masochistic side of me would probably even be happy.
No. I need a "belief", some concept that I can hold up like a banner and say, "This is what I stand for! This is my purpose!" Something that gives my life meaning.
I'm not looking for a religious conversion. I'm almost militant in my atheism. I'm just saying everyone (especially me, right here, right now) needs a purpose in life. That doesn't mean I need "Jesus" or "Buddha" or "Allah" or "Joe Spit, the Prophet". If that's your purpose, I'm happy for you. You found one. Just doesn't work for me.
Now, I'm tired, and the keyboard is slippery with sweat (I know, that's gross. I apologize.). Tune in tomorrow when I actually talk my way through to a purpose I can be proud of. As I wrote this, I came up with one, I just want to crystalize my thoughts and make sure it's the right one.
Peace, my wonderfully supportive kats and kittens.