Wow . . . over a year since I wrote in here. I'm a little embarassed. How do I explain this to the two or three people who read my diary before? Well, maybe they'll see that I've updated and wander by again. I've missed them. I missed my diary more, though, but I mistakenly thought it had been a "phase" and put it away with all of my old toys. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I've left the suburbs of the Windy City and now reside in Portland, Oregon. That was probably a move made too soon, but it's a little late now to realize that.

To the old readers, that about sums up my "life" for the past year. Now, on to my diary . . .

Stuck in a loop. An endless loop. Oh, the freedom of familiarity. I've been here before, I'll be here again. That's not to say I WANT to be here, only that I am here.

I'm not good at change. I thought I'd changed myself, learned enough about me to move on and lead a productive life (my life, to date, has not been overly productive). What a crock.

I'm back here. Facing the same demons. They followed me, you know. Slunk away into the shadows until I thought they were good and gone, then followed me out here, jumped out and said "surprise!"

Fuck.

When I left Chicago two months ago, I was on top of the world. I felt stable and calm. The Pills had been working great the whole time I'd been there. Therapy had done wonders for my self-esteem. Rock and roll, baby!

Well, bugger all that! One month out here, and I'm hiding in my room again, not coming out unless absolutely necessary (my roommates are getting freaked out). Two months, and that habit hasn't changed. Because of that, I still don't have a job, and the money is running low.

Sad, isn't it? Is this a pity-fest? Fuck, no!

This is The War, after all. It's always me vs. my demons. Sometimes they win, sometimes I win. Either way, I don't give up the fight.

I showered today. It might seem like a minor achievement, but it's a step. That's what people don't understand about me: Everyday things are a struggle for me. At the height of my normalcy, the act was pretty flawless. Now, it's frayed at the edges, but that just gives me something to work on.

Tomorrow, I actually look in the paper again. And I shower again. Saturday, I add actually filling out an application or dropping off a resume.

Well, that's the plan. Sometimes, though, I have to take smaller steps than that. Still, I hope for the best.

Never give up, kats and kittens. It sucks out there in the great wide world, but the beautiful parts are very much worth fighting for.

And that's today's lesson from Uncle Justin. Until next time, remember me fondly, and don't make fun of what you don't understand.