I'm facing one of my biggest challenges in the War. On Wednesday, my therapist asked me to list some good qualities about myself. She said I focused too much on what I disliked about myself, and I needed to focus on the good things a little more. Then, today, my friend Jill said the same thing.

It's like it's all come down to this. I can't say I'm going to fight it and just hide from it again anymore. I really have to fight it, and I hate to admit it, but I'm scared.

I came up with a list that I told my therapist, and I'm going to tell Jill the next time I see her.

The list was easy. Believing it is what's difficult.

The voice in my head says, "Look at you! How can you say you have positive qualities? Let's list more negative qualities so you can focus on those like a good little boy."

Add to the voice the fact that, every time I have a positive thought about myself, I'm convinced I'm about to become some self-absorbed snob, and you wind up with a pretty powerful force fighting me on this issue.

Of course, it's really the same voice if I think about it. I'm convinced I'm a fuck-up, so naturally I'm going to fuck up having some self-esteem, too. It all goes back to being convinced I'm a fuck-up, but that side of me is strong. It's been dominating my life for so long I can't remember what it was like to have self esteem.

It goes round and round, but I'm going to stop this train even if it means I have to park a bulldozer in front of it.

And this is how I'm going to do it: I'm going to repeat my good qualities ad nauseum. I'm going to seek out opportunities to show off my good qualities every chance I can get, and, when I shine, I'm going to pat myself on the back and say, "Who's a good boy, then?" as if I'm some sort of trained mutt, because I am. I've been responding to the voice of negativity so well, I figure I should simply add a new voice of . . . positivity? . . .

Anyway, what does that mean for you dear readers? Well, over the course of the next several entries, I'm going to be tooting my own horn. I'm going to focus on things I've done right in this fair world, and I'm going to brag about them. If you're bored by that, too bad. Read something else for a few weeks until I've settled down.

If you're not bored by this, please let me know. I want to hear from both of my readers out there (I have no illusions over how many people might be reading this). I want to know why you keep reading. Let me know something positive about myself! Let me feel loved like only an exhibitionist with a small ego can feel loved!

With that said, kind kats and kittens, I will bid you adieu for now. I have prior engagements.