Lately my thoughts have been on my return to Portland, my glorious return to the place I want to be with all my heart. Someone I know asked me recently, "What do you expect will happen when you get to Portland?" and I realized I didn't really have any idea. I just knew that most of my friends are there, as opposed to here, where there is only my family. Which isn't to say that family isn't nice, but I need my friends, too.
I've been lucky to have the friends I have. I went to them and said, "I've been having a secret nervous breakdown for the past year, and now I'm diagnosed schizophrenic. Help," and the helped! They banded together and patched me up as best they could and helped me get ready for my trip here. Not a one walked away from me, and that really means something. That's pretty special. So, naturally, I wish to return to them.
I want to show them what I can become, the human being I was supposed to be. I want the pleasure of getting to know them all over again as that person. Is that really so wrong?
Of course, there's the other side to this, too. I have to be a new person, first, and that's a lot slower going than I want it to be. I want this change to be real, not some pipe dream, when I get back there. It's work I've been slipping on, lately (another reason I think I haven't been writing in here much), and I feel guilty about that. Every time I delay my recovery, I delay my return to those who care about me. More importantly than even that, every time I delay my recovery, I'm cheating myself out of another day of being all I can be (yes, you voyeuers out there, I know I sound like an ad for the military, you'll just have to fucking cope).
But, today I am talking about my return to Portland, and the forces in my way. For instance, just the other day I discovered that all of the work I am having done on my teeth has to be completed, there is no pause point where I can take a few months off, find another dentist, and continue. Of course, that could be a greedy dentist talking, but who knows? As it is, it's better to deal with the same dentist from the start. That much I know. And how long will it take to complete? Who knows? Longer than my expected return time to Portland, that's almost for sure. I mean, how important is it, really? They're just teeth for chrissake!
Of course, it's thoughts like this that slow down my recovery, too. I currently don't take very good care of myself. I don't consider myself worth the effort, really. I do the bare minimum of proper hygiene to get by in this world, and somehow I still consider myself getting better? Who am I kidding?
I've got a while, yet, and I don't like it one goddamn bit. Why can't I just wave a stupid wand, be well, and get back to my life? Why does it have to be a fucking process, anyway?
So, you're stuck with me for a while, yet, peeping toms and tammys. Be thankful. I'd be glad if someone was.