I don't know why I said that. I guess I'm just rambling to get my fingers working. I don't really know what to write about today, or any day, lately.
My therapist, the Cheerleader, is leaving me. I only have two more appointments with her, and then that's that. She's pregnant, and, heaven forbid, she wants to spend some time with her kid when it's born. I say, "heaven forbid" just in case I slip and think she should be there for me all the time. She's allowed her life, and I'm not one to harangue her for it, but I must admit her timing sucks. I'm getting some good work done, and now I'm left without a therapist. I don't know what to do. Now, I know my plan was to become strong enough to not need a therapist and then return to Portland, but I'm not there, yet. I still need a therapist to talk things over with, to share things with, to have that voice in my corner cheering me on.
Now I have nothing but my psychiatrist and my Pills, and I hate them both. My psychiatrist talks down to me as if I can't think for myself. She pushes the Pills as if they were my only lifeline, and I hate the Pills. The sad thing is, it works. I get around her, and I'm not strong enough to make decisions for myself. I can't argue convincingly enough to get the Pills to stop. It's enough to make me crawl under a rock. "You don't want to get sick again, do you?" is always her reply whenever I bring up getting rid of the Pills. And my response is always, "Of course not," because, I mean, who really wants to go back to living in their closet and collecting their own urine?
With the therapy, at least I was able to say I was doing something I wanted to do. I was helping myself. It feels so out of my hands when I think of the Pills. Maybe that's what my problem with them is. It's completely out of my hands. They indicate that there's something wrong with me that I can't control personally. I have no control over my more psychotic tendencies, according to the Pills theory, and I have to trust the judgement of people like my psychiatrist over my own opinion of myself. Maybe what I need to do is come to terms with the Pills, once and for all. Find a way to make them feel like I'm in control of myself.
Yeah, maybe that's what I need to do. In the meantime, I'm going to go scream in a corner over losing my therapist.
Peace for now, kats and kittens.