To Cerulean030: Now that I know you're reading, it makes this a little different to me, too. To tell you the truth, I knew people were reading, but Jax was the only reader I knew. Does that make sense? Here's another way to say it: You're the first stranger to approach me because of my diary (Jax I knew for years before I started this diary), and now I'm reading your diary and this whole thing is a little strange. Apparently, people do this all the time on DiaryLand, but this is my first experience with it. For the sheer thrill of adventure, and for the pleasure of meeting someone I suspect is an interesting person, I would be happy to IM you sometime. I've even set up an AOL IM account for just that occasion, but first I want to finish this diary entry, and then you'll probably be in bed because it's getting late even by Houston bar standards, let alone sane people like Houston mothers of two small children (and I happen to think you're quite sane, but I'm the nuttiest one at most parties, so who am I to say?). One thing you can say about me is that I'm a night owl. Always have been, likely always will be. Whether my job is accomodating or not is another point entirely. But I am getting off-track. Cerulean (I've seen your name, but right now it escapes me), keep reading my diary, and I shall keep reading yours. Do not worry about my judging you, as that is not what I am doing. I'll IM you sometime soon when we both happen to be online. By the way, the "leave a note" function on your diary needs to be "turned on" (whatever that means). Try leaving yourself a note and you'll see what I mean. It's been so long since I started this account, I can't remember having done anything to turn mine on, but apparently I did. *shrug*

To Jax: Stop playing EQ once in a while and IM your old pal in the Central Time Zone. Actually, IM me because I'm hoping you're not sick again, but the last thing you said to me was, "EQ has stolen my brain" (or something to that effect) so I prefer to think of that as a happier reason for your long period of quiet.

Now, on with the War:

It's raining. In Chicago. In the middle of January. Weird. I joked with my step-father (ex, if you want to be technical about it) about bringing the Portland weather with me. It makes me miss Portland all the more, though. It really makes me wish for a good Chicago snowstorm like we had a week ago. Something to take my mind off of Portland.

I want to go back to Portland, but I know I can't. I probably have enough money saved up for the move, but that would be about it. I'd also have to worry about having enough cash to live off of until I found a job. And finding a job could take a while. Also, I have to consider why I'm here and be honest with myself and say, "I'm not strong enough, yet, to return to Portland." It's a tough thing to admit, considering how much I want to return. Still, my therapist says it's a good thing that I can think of Portland as a place I want to return to when I am "better," rather than a place I can return to to make things better. She's good at pointing out my positives. It's why I call her the Cheerleader.

And just what does "better" look like? I'm almost close enough to see it, but don't push me for a definition, yet. I just know that if I returned to Portland right now, I'd fold up like an origami flower and fall to pieces like a WET origami flower. I'm just not strong enough to go through a job search like that right now. Not right now. Not right now.

My original return plan was April. Now it looks more like summer some time. I hope my friends understand.

Anyway, it's so late my step-father is awake, so it's time for me to go to sleep. Tune in tomorrow afternoon for more information.